Beautiful Girl

Beautiful girl, where have you gone? Where did that smile go? Your big, green eyes have lost that light.
I have asked you to get help. To tell the mother you wish you didn’t have to get you somewhere safe. You haven’t done anything I have asked.
One day, I hope that you will see the beauty you have trapped in your heart. I hope that you will let someone see it.
Instead, it is buried by a bitter dirt, but it is still there. It is still waiting in a dormant state.
I hate that you don’t see the way your hair seems golden in the sun. The highlights catch the sunlight in a way that makes it sparkle.
Beautiful girl, I need you back. Brush away the bitter dirt and bring back the light in those eyes. Let the sunshine make your hair into strands of gold. Realize your worth.

E.R.B

Pancakes

A burn on my hand sings in hot pain. The skin has already become a pale pink and shines a bit more than the rest. Pancakes. A burn for pancakes. Seems like a fair trade to me. I whisk together more of the mixture and water, scraping at the bottom of the bowl. When the off-white liquid becomes the same viscosity of glue, I pour it on the griddle. Steam rises and sizzles as the pancake cooks. I quickly add chocolate chips to the top and they sink a bit into the already thickening liquid.

My grandmother says I eat too much food because it’s the only thing in my life that I can control. That the amount of food I allow into my body is the one thing that only I can change. She’s right, but I’ll never tell her that. I don’t eat lunch or dinner or breakfast. Instead, I graze throughout the day. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I eat so much my stomach aches. Other days I don’t eat anything at all. I like to tell myself that I have control in other aspects like my emotions. That I can control the way my surroundings affect me, but we all know that’s far from the truth. My brain feels like a ¬†snow globe. Small, glittering flakes whirl around a tiny, glass container. Than, they settle on the bottom until someone comes back to shake up the globe again. They are dependent on everything, but me.

The edges of the pancakes change from shiny to matte. I pick up the black spatula and flip them. The surface of the almost-perfect circle is a delicious golden brown. I allow the pancake to bake a bit more and remove it from the black, hot surface. Waiting for the pancake to cool is hardest part, so I usually skip it. I eat the one that isn’t going to completely burn my tongue first. Almost-molten chocolate coats the roof of my mouth as I enjoy the pancake.

e.r.b

3:05

Weary eyes refuse to close for long. The sweet sleep that I used to know so well has left and refuses to return. I toss and turn as the inky dark of the room threatens to swallow me whole. I reach out from the safety of my warm blanket to grab my phone. The white light of the screen rips through the velvet night as the clock reads 3:05. I need to sleep. Instead, I let my thumps graze over letters in a keyboard. Each letter joins to create a word and each word a sentence. Soon, I have a piece of writing about my inability to fall asleep. Maybe now my eyes can give into the pleas of rest. 

e.r.b

Days

There are days where I don’t feel like I’m really there. I feel like the day just passes by and I’m a bystander. I just watch. The actions are not my own. My feet are their own person. I watch TV but the sound from it is just noise that doesn’t even register in my brain, but I stare at it anyway. There is a motor in my stomach that pushes me forward. I walk to work each day. Than walk back home. That’s it. That’s my day. I converse with my mom, but don’t really listen and answer with a voice that isn’t mine. By the end of the day, I don’t remember what I did. I don’t remember who I talked to at work or what I ate. I just remember that I got up, went to work, and now I’m home. No details. No memories.

e.r.b

Hello

Hello. I can see you creeping up to me. I can see your skeletal hands beckoning me. I want to welcome you. I want to go with your cold arms wrapped around mine. To see what is beyond this reality I’ve been stuck in. You’re closer now. So close I can smell the rot of your breath and see the decay on your skin. If I go with you, will I be able to see the world like I did when I was young? I can feel your thin fingers pierce the delicate skin on my wrist as you pull me to come, but I don’t want to follow you. I can still turn this around. I don’t need you yet. I’ve managed to shake you off. Your crumpled, defeated frame lays at my feet. The glint in your eye telling me it’s not over yet. I run. Cold air burns in my lungs and my feet struggle to keep up, but I’ve escaped. The terrain has become uneven. My foot catches on a root of a tree long dead, causing my knee to slam into the hard ground. Dirt cakes into the creases of my hands and my knee protests, but I still stand. You’ve caught up. The allure of your offer sits in the air. Give up and come with you or fight. If I give up, will my sisters be alright? If I give up, will it be easier? No. My sisters will not be ok if I go. It will not be easier if I follow you. I will fight.

Dear Lolly,

Dear Lolly,

Your arctic ice eyes could bring the world down with just a glance. The passion in your heart will always bring a smile to my face. The freckles you hate are the mark of the sun that kissed your skin. I will always miss you. I will miss that summer we swang on the metal swing set and looked up the stars, hoping we could fly away. I will miss your laugh that filled the room. Last I saw you, those eyes still shone brighter than any star that shone above us. Your passion made me want to hold your thin frame, in hopes that a fraction would fade into me. Your freckles were more prominent than ever. All your features still held true without me. You are doing fine without me. If you had really looked at me that night in May, you wouldn’t be surprised. My eyes still glaze over when I talk to people. My face is still pale and sickly. My passion is still dwindling. I wish I still had you. I wish I could still call you a friend. I wish you saw me as a friend. Please don’t ever change. Please continue to give the world the hell it deserves. Please always be the kind and strong girl I love.

Your friend,

Emma

My home

Sap clings to the evergreen trees surrounding my house made of brick. Insects call to each other and bats fly between the trees. The summer sky hold stars dimmed by the light of Denver, a city of people contrasting the quiet of the Rocky Mountains. I sit on the moonlit porch, feeling the summer breeze pull at my short hair. Colorado. A state of mostly flat farmland, interrupted by the sharp mountains. Where wildlife is yet to leave. Where the air is thin and dry. I love this state.

e.r.b

Stuck

My room is a mess. Clothes litter my floor. Dishes inhabit my desk. Dark circles hang on my eyes. The tan I gained from the beach has faded to my original skin tone. I should get up and do something worth my time. I should get up and be social, but when I did, I just got turned down again and again. Each time I tried to invite some one over, they forgot or said no, causing my shoulders to grow heavier. When I try, I get turned down. When I don’t, no one cares. My sister lives with her head up high and a light around her. How does she do it? I can’t go more than a month without feeling so heavy I can’t get out of bed. She has friends who care. She’s not afraid to live. Mom says I should go back on my meds, but that thought sends a shudder down my spine. Mom says I should make new friends, but I’m scared. I’m scared of what they will think. I can’t tell my mom that. I really tried to be happy and I was for a month or two, but my mind caught up with me. I’m stuck.

e.r.b

Summer

I look over the ocean as it tugs at my toes. Angry waves crash, leaving white foam behind. My sisters walk behind me with freckles blooming on their noses. A gust of wind pulls the hair from my face. The beautiful beach of Gulf Shores, Alabama stretches out around me. I stand there, basking in the heat of an unforgiving sun and allow sand to cling to my ankles. I don’t care about a thing. A left all of my worries and stress at home, I left that in Colorado. Right now, I’m free from everything. Sure, I would prefer a quiet meadow under a cloudless sky full of stars, but this is still bliss. For the first time in a while, the summer doesn’t seem daunting. I’m not afraid of the lack of structure that kills me every year. No. This year I won’t let it affect me. I won’t let my thoughts take control of me because I don’t have school to take hold of my brain. I will make an effort to hang out with my friends. To reconnect with old ones. Maybe make some new ones. This is my sixteenth summer and it will be wonderful.

E.R.B

A bit about me

Today, I will share with you a bit about my life. It is not very exciting, but I would like for you guys to get to know me better and for me to get to know you, so here are ten things about me.

  1. I have three little sisters (Courtney, Caroline, and Sara).
  2. I plan to someday get my PhD in geology.
  3. I have three pets that inhabit my room: a crested gecko, a leopard gecko, and a russian tortoise.
  4. I peaked in kindergarten. (I was super social, now I’m kind of a hermit)
  5. I work at an after school program at my local elementary school.
  6. I am sixteen years old.
  7. I eat a lot of candy. I’m surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out.
  8. Growing up, I struggled to read and was behind most of my peers.
  9. I love anime especially the art of it.
  10. This is what I look like:

IMG_1498.JPGThanks for reading.

E.R.B